God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh*

my 18-step discovery of the big cosmic joke

Here is a brief summary of what I have been digging into in the past six months:

1. I am not my mom, I could never be! She was so mean and angry and scared!

2. Hmmm. I wonder why I can’t get away from all this internal strife of meanness and angriness.

3. Ok freezing to not be mean and angry is becoming more and more painful.

4. Wow, I have a lot of anger when I am not freezing.

5. Wow when I release my anger = my depressive tendencies go away a LOT faster.

   • This was perhaps one of the biggest discoveries by far. My depressive episodes—marked by a dead, inescapable numbness—used to last for minimum a few days to a week or even months.

   • Turns out that it was just me constantly going into freeze in order to avoid feeling my anger… and wondering where my aliveness went.

6. Oops my my anger is kind of wild and comes out sideways and uncleanly sometimes.

7. Oh fuck. I'm my mom

8. Wait… what is this new feeling underneath the anger.

9. Oh my god it’s fear.

10. Oh wow so much fear.

11. Damn I thought I was fearless but actually I am terrified of my fear.

11. Wait a second... anger? and fear?.....

12. Ah fuck I am literally my mom.

13. Man I really don’t like being scared and anxious all the time *writhe write writhe*

14. Ok I understand why my mom was so angry and scared all the time. How can I love your fear and anger mom?

15. What if I allow my fear in and sit with it and feel it just like any other emotion?

16. WHOAAA WHEN I EMBRACE MY FEAR IT IS ALIVENESS!!!

17. LOVING MY FEAR IS THE LOVE I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR MY WHOLE LIFE?? and ive been trying to go the OPPOSITE DIRECTION thinking it’s what’s keeping me from love!???!?!!

18. AHHHHAAHAHA. FUCK. that is hilarious.**

…

To be continued. For the rest of my life probably.

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*Quote shared from Joe Hudson during Master Class

**When I first discovered this during my Aletheia coaching session I legitimately couldn’t stop laughing/crying for a good 5 minutes. Have never experienced anything like it. I just could not stop giggling it was so ridiculous.